


Used

by Robin_Fai



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: (but not really), Angst, Arthur Knows About Merlin's Magic (Merlin), Canon-Typical Violence, Dark Merlin (Merlin), Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Gwaine Being Gwaine (Merlin), Happy Ending, Loss of Control, M/M, Merlin is So Done (Merlin), Merlin's Magic Revealed (Merlin), Secret Relationship, very mild injury
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-27
Updated: 2020-09-27
Packaged: 2021-03-07 23:14:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,544
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26685724
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Robin_Fai/pseuds/Robin_Fai
Summary: They argue in the forest about whether to reveal their relationship.Arthur wants to hide. Merlin is tried of being a secret.After a misunderstanding, Merlin finds himself out of control and turning on the one he loves. Will he be able to regain control before he does something that he'll never be able to forgive himself for?
Relationships: Merlin/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)
Comments: 8
Kudos: 166





	Used

**Author's Note:**

> I'm working my way through trying to complete my pile of wips and this is the first to get sorted. I don't want to give too much away but I hope you enjoy this angsty little number with a not-dark!Merlin that is acting like dark!Merlin.

“That’s it. I’m done.” Merlin threw his hands in the air, sick of the endless circle of argument they had gotten into.

“What exactly are you saying, Merlin?” Arthur looked exasperated. He spoke to Merlin as one might a child, and that was what had tipped him over.

“That I won’t be your dirty little secret any more!” He shouted. His words echoed in the empty forest clearing. Arthur looked around nervously, as though someone they knew might step out of the trees at any moment. Merlin sighed and tried to calm down. “I’m tired of hiding, Arthur. Why can’t we just be together?”

“You know it isn’t that simple.” Arthur replied quietly.

“No? And why is that exactly?”

“Well... you’re a…” Arthur’s words stumbled to a halt.

“A what? A servant? I don’t recall that being a problem with Gwen!” Merlin was shouting again.

“This isn’t about you being a servant.” Arthur said. His voice was too quiet. Too evasive. Merlin didn’t like it. It was always a bad sign when Arthur began avoiding something. 

“So what _is_ it about then? That I’m too common? That I’m not from Camelot? That I’m a man? That I have magic?!”

At the last, Arthur rolled his shoulder and looked away from him. Merlin felt his stomach drop. He’d said it in the heat of the argument, but hadn’t really thought about what if it were the case. Arthur still didn’t trust him. Arthur wouldn’t be open about their relationship because he _couldn’t_ love him. The fear and hatred of magic ran too deep for him to ever allow himself to truly care for someone like Merlin. 

“I should have known,” Merlin said bitterly, “that you’d never forgive me. I should have known. But this? Using me like this? That’s low, Arthur. I might call you a prat and a cabbage head, but I always thought you were kind, that you weren’t the sort to play with someone’s heart!”

“What?” Arthur looked shocked and confused by Merlin’s words, but Merlin was too angry, too hurt, to consider why.

“I guess you got what you wanted then. Use me for sex, let me tell you I love you, and then leave me. Yeah. That certainly was an effective way of getting revenge for my being a sorcerer wasn’t it?” He hadn’t realised he was crying until his vision blurred. Turning quickly he began to stride out of the clearing, away from Arthur.

Arthur remained frozen where he was for a moment then hurried after Merlin. “What… Merlin, why? Why would you think… Merlin, WAIT!”

Merlin didn’t want to hear another word. He muttered a spell through gritted teeth and was instantly obscured from Arthur’s view. He continued stomping off through the forest, his mind not fixed on any particular destination. He just wanted some space alone so he could fall apart with some privacy.

……

As Merlin washed his face in the stream, he felt the cold of it seeping into his bones. Arthur had used him. It had all been some elaborate trick. He had given his heart away for nothing. What was he going to do now? He would have to go back to Camelot sometime. He was bound to Arthur by destiny whether the man hated him and treated him cruelly or not.

He was so preoccupied with his bitter thoughts that he failed to notice the woman creeping up on him. A solid blow to his forehead was the first he knew of it. The ground tilted, sweeping up to meet his aching face, and then everything went dark.

……

When he came to he was walking, which was an odd sensation. His first thought was that he had been sleepwalking. He had never done it before, but perhaps the blow to his head had caused him to act differently.

 _His head?!_ Merlin suddenly clearly recalled being knocked out. He went to move a hand up to investigate the wound, but his body didn’t respond. It just kept on walking methodically through the forest in the direction of Camelot. Merlin felt his heart rate rising as he panicked. _What was happening?!_

_Maybe I’m dreaming_ , he thought, but then his foot caught on a root, no less uncoordinated in this mysterious state than he was when he was fully awake, and he felt a pain shoot through his ankle as it twisted. He was certain he would never feel pain like that in a dream. So maybe this was some kind of waking sleepwalking. No, that was ridiculous. His body righted itself and carried on as though it had never stumbled. His feet marched on disregarding the injury. Every step he took shot sharp spikes of pain up his leg. 

Merlin tried to think logically. He tried to recall what had happened before he woke. There had been someone else by the stream. They had knocked him out. Maybe they had magic. Perhaps this was a spell. Merlin raked through his memory to find any kind of control spells that would have this effect on him, but none that he could think of left him conscious but his body out of his control. Next he focussed on counter spells, incantations to end any kind of spell. He thought of a few that might have some effect but his lips and tongue were as unresponsive as the rest of him.

……

Eventually, the forest gave way to the fields that surrounded the citadel, and then his feet found themselves upon familiar paved streets. Merlin watched, a prisoner in his own form, as he walked, heedless of those around him, up to the castle. His lips were dry with the panic and he wanted to lick them, but even that basic impulse was denied to him.

As he entered the courtyard, his gaze lit upon the one person he wanted to see above all others, and the one person he was desperate not to see right now. Arthur. His face was pinched with worry as he stood upon the steps talking quietly with Gwaine. Merlin ached to call out to him, but then he recalled their earlier conversation and his heart ached for a wholly more painful reason. He wanted Arthur to help him. Arthur wasn’t going to help him. Arthur had used him. 

“Arthur Pendragon, you are a dead man.” Merlin heard himself say. He felt his mouth form the words, but they were completely out of his control.

“Merlin!” Arthur’s head snapped up and the concern cleared from his face. He walked down the steps towards him with barely concealed haste. “Thank goodness! It’s been hours. Where have you been?” 

Merlin felt a pain in his chest at the sound of his name. What if he had got it wrong? What if Arthur did care?

“Merlin?” Arthur asked again, his brow lined once more.

The spell that tore itself from his throat took both of them by surprise. Arthur dodged to the side as Merlin’s hands threw the ball of flames at him.

“Merlin, what the-” 

Arthur didn’t get to complete his query as Merlin turned and once again spoke the words to bring forth flames. Arthur dodged again. He was a trained warrior, and he was fast, but not as fast as Merlin. Merlin knew that, but Arthur didn’t. He screamed and screamed inside his own head to try and make his body stop. His heart was racing so fast he feared it might give out. He had never been so afraid.

“For your crimes against those with magic, I sentence you to death.” Merlin’s voice said. 

All around them, people were running for cover. There were scorch marks on two of the walls that spoke of the damage he could cause. Armed guards rushed from every direction, and Gwaine hurried to Arthur’s side. 

“Merlin!” Gwaine called to him. “What are you doing? Arthur is your friend. Stop this!” Merlin was glad his gaze was not set upon him. That was yet one more betrayal he couldn’t bear to see.

“Merlin, please,” Arthur ducked another spell and waved a hand to halt the nearest guards advance upon Merlin. They raised their crossbows anyway and Merlin waved his own hand, casting them all back against the walls. He repeated the action on the remaining guards, then turned back to Arthur.

“For your crimes, you will die.” The words tasted bad in his mouth. 

Internally, Merlin was crying. No matter what Arthur had done, he didn’t want him dead. Not a single tear left his eyes. 

His magic threw a focussed jolt of power toward Arthur, which he narrowly avoided. Then he sensed someone behind him. His body spun around to find Gwaine, sword raised, the pommel aimed at his head. Evidently his friend had been intending to knock him out. Gwaine didn’t stand a chance against the most powerful sorcerer that ever lived though. Merlin disarmed him and knocked him from his feet in one simple wave of the hand. Merlin had one brief moment to be relieved at seeing Gwaine still conscious and breathing before his gaze was whirled back around to Arthur.

Merlin wanted to hurt himself for the pain and betrayal he saw in Arthur’s face. He knew that look. He had seen that look once before when he had revealed his magic. He had only told Arthur because they had shared a drunken kiss. He hadn’t wanted to have such a massive secret between them if they were to start courting. Once Arthur had recovered from the shock he had been hurt and angry. They hadn’t spoken for a week. Then, out of the blue, he had turned up at Merlin’s chamber with flowers and an apology. They had been secretly courting ever since. 

Heartbreak was familiar to him. He had felt it when Arthur turned from him after he revealed his magic. He had felt it when he refused to become open about their relationship. He had felt it when he lost Will, Freya, his father… But this? This was something far worse. He was breaking his own heart. He was tearing apart everything that he loved and cared for, everything that ever mattered to him. He was going to kill the man he loved and there was nothing he could do to stop it.

Arthur finally drew his blade and levelled it at Merlin. “Please, Merlin, please don’t make me do this.”

“You will die for your crimes.” Merlin’s voice was hollow. His body was blank and void. Far away, Merlin’s mind was screaming Arthur’s name over, and over, and over.

There was a flurry of activity as Merlin cast spell after spell, and Arthur dodged each one, constantly trying to find a clearing to get closer and use his blade.

“Please stop, Merlin! We can talk about this.” Arthur was calling to him as he weaved about. “I’m sorry about earlier. I was going to tell everyone. I was planning to tell everyone. I just needed to get them on side about magic first. I needed to change the laws so we truly wouldn’t have to hide. I wanted it to be a surprise!” 

There were people gathering in windows and doorways all around the courtyard. He heard the whispers of shock at Arthur’s words. Merlin knew they were true and he wished he could be happy to hear them.

A ball of blue flames narrowly missed Arthur’s head, singing a few hairs as it passed. 

_‘No, no, no! No, not Arthur! Please, not Arthur!’_ Merlin threw everything he had into trying to take control back of his body. Nothing happened. He had been wrong earlier. He had judged Arthur so badly. If only he hadn’t walked away. If only he had stayed to listen.

“Why are you doing this? Please don’t make me hurt you.” Arthur begged him.

Arthur’s words went unheeded. Their dance continued. Sorrow was a lead weight in Merlin’s chest. Arthur was red faced from the exertion. He bore several marks from near misses. Merlin’s magic remained as strong as ever and there wasn’t a scratch on his body. Merlin could only be thankful that whoever had cast this spell on him clearly hadn’t known how powerful he was. If they had, no doubt Arthur would already be dead, and half of Camelot destroyed. He threw a wide line of fire, and suddenly Arthur was no longer in his sight. His body twisted around and found himself face to face with his lover, the cold tip of his sword pressed against Merlin’s unprotected chest.

There were tears in Arthur’s eyes. “Merlin, please,” his voice broke, “I love you. Don’t make me do this.” Merlin moved to cast again and the blade bit into his skin slightly. “You’re breaking my heart.”

Merlin felt tears finally break free of his own eyes. 

_‘Arthur, I’m sorry. I’m so, so, sorry! I love you. I forgive you for whatever you have to do.’_ Merlin thought at Arthur as hard as he could, willing him to hear the words direct from his heart. He wanted to close his eyes, to make it easier on them both, but his gaze carried on ruthlessly staring at his love.

A rough hand suddenly appeared, gripping Merlin’s arm, and then there was a bruising pain around his neck as a chain was torn free. He hadn’t even noticed it before, but the instant he was free of it he felt control rushing back into his limbs. He gasped, reaching out for Arthur, and then collapsed to the ground as his injured leg gave out. 

Tears flowed down his face, there was blood on his chest, and the smell of magical fires smouldering filled his lungs. He gasped and gasped for air, as though he hadn’t been able to breathe for the last hours. Gaius was crouching over him, saying something, but in his ears there was only ringing. 

“Arthur,” he tried to speak and though he couldn’t hear the words he was relieved to feel himself say them. “Arthur, I’m sorry. I was angry. I should never have doubted you. I’m so sor-” His words were cut off as his love came into view, first hesitantly touching a hand to his face, then flinging his sword aside to gather Merlin into his embrace. 

Beside his ear, Arthur mumbled, or perhaps shouted, he was still hearing a lot of ringing sounds. “Don’t you _ever_ do that to me again. If I’d had to kill you…” Arthur sobbed then, his face hidden against Merlin’s shoulder.

Merlin was shaking with emotion. “I’m sorry. I tried to stop. I tried. I couldn’t make it stop,” he said through his tears. He tried to pull away from Arthur’s hold. “It was my fault. I wasn’t paying attention. I should’ve been stronger. I nearly killed you. I’m dangerous. Please, just let me go. I’ll go away. I’ll-”

“Shut up _Mer_ lin.” Arthur pressed his lips to Merlin’s. For all the turmoil and terror of their recent conflict, Merlin couldn’t help his reaction. He seized Arthur’s face in his hands and returned his kisses eagerly and without hesitation.

When they finally broke apart, Merlin’s hearing finally cleared. Behind him he heard Gaius sigh. In the distance he could hear cheering. Bloody Gwaine.

**Author's Note:**

> I can't even remember where this idea came from so I'm glad I had written out all the key points. It feels good to actually finish something and get it out there rather than leaving it lurking in a folder. I had wanted to include some Arthur POV too but in the end it felt like it was better all told from Merlin's.  
> Thanks for reading! ♥♥♥


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